Dad-gum Quiz!
After many years of resisting the devil, I have finally caved in to temptation. I have gone over to the dark side. I have tossed my high principles to the wind.
I have joined Facebook.
Now, if you have to ask what Facebook is, never mind. I don’t want to tempt you with the sordid details. I [...]
No Talking!
“Doctor, I can’t –“ (cough!) “talk,” I rasped.
Duh. She could clearly tell I had laryngitis. Even I knew that.
“Breathe deeply for me,” she said.
I obeyed, and was sent into the nastiest, most pitiful coughing fit you’ve ever heard. I sounded like an eighty-year-old man who had smoked for sixty of those years.
“Hmmm . . .” [...]
Just Like Daddy
I have a new yardman. He is blonde, tan, strong and handsome. The other day, as he mowed my lawn, I snapped pictures of him.
Did I mention he is seven years old?
From the time he could walk, Foster has “helped” his daddy mow our lawn. He faithfully pushed his Little Tykes mower behind Mark, trying [...]
Deadly Weapon
Today, I experienced one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I survived, but just barely. And I am certain that the moment will live on in my memory for decades to come.
As I write this, I am sitting in a dorm room at a camp for girls. Just in case you are considering [...]
The Green Machine
Is it just me, or does it seem that everyone is becoming obsessed with being “green”? You know what I mean. Everyone recycles. Everyone uses chemical-free pesticides. Everyone eats tofu. Save our planet and all that.
And though I’m all in favor of saving our planet, I’m often the last one to jump on any wagon. [...]
Breakthrough Discovery
I have made a breakthrough discovery, which, if marketed correctly, could earn me countless millions. I have discovered why men and women don’t understand each other.
If I were smart, I’d hang onto this information and sell it only to those who are willing to pay an obscene amount of money. But have I ever claimed [...]
Bounced
Last week, I attended a writer’s retreat in the beautiful Colorado Rockies. I didn’t say much while I was there. After all, I’m not a real writer, and I didn’t want to give away my secret. I don’t think humor columnists count, do they?
As I sat around listening to the real writers discuss things like [...]
Keep Going
Don’t you just love to watch people run? Whether they’re running a race, or a marathon, or just trying to get into shape, there’s something inspiring about seeing a person running. Every time I see a runner, I just want to cheer and encourage him or her to keep going.
Well, with one possible exception. If [...]
Happy Mother’s Day
Has anyone out there ever really calculated all the things that a mother does? Oh, I’m sure they’ve tried. But I’m not sure it’s possible to come up with a complete job description. Just when you think you have recorded every possible thing a mother is required to do, something new will inevitably make its [...]
A Pretty Package
In my bathroom drawer, I have about every type of cosmetic product you can imagine. There is lipstick, lip liner, eyeshadow, eyeliner, blush, mascara . . . even some sparkly, glittery stuff to give me that fairy-talish quality. Then, there is the stuff that removes all the aforementioned stuff: cold cream, cleanser, astringent . . [...]
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