The Nightmare After Christmas

Christmas morning, for me, was blissful. Everything was perfect, or as close to perfect as Christmas morning can be at our house. The stockings were filled, there was a roaring fire in the fireplace, carols played on the cd player. Everyone took their time opening gifts, letting out appropriate “oohs” and “aaaahs” and exclaiming how [...]

The Perfect Christmas

On my hearth, there is a mis-matched nativity scene. It includes four wise men of various sizes, two shepherds, two Marys, one baby Jesus, a Renaissance girl carrying a turkey and a basket of grapes (where did she come from?), a horse, a cow, and a sheep. There is no Joseph. I’ve decided he must [...]

Flipped-Out Phone

I am so ashamed of myself. And just a little bit proud, too. After living more than four decades without wanting or needing a pocket phone/computer/stereo/gameboard/calendar/encyclopedia/notepad/etc., I have given in to peer pressure.
I got an i-phone.
A pink one.

I was fine without one, until my friend Robin showed me hers. It was way cool. And she’s [...]

Uninvited Guest

I have been blessed with wonderful friends. They add much joy to my life. Many of them remember my birthday. And most of them call before they come.
But recently, I had an uninvited guest in my home. He barged right into my house without being asked, and he refused to leave even when we threatened [...]

Wanted: Translator

I am being forced to learn a new language. In spite of the fact that I was born here, in spite of the fact that I have lived here all my life, I can no longer get by using my native tongue. My world has been invaded, and the invaders have changed the language. And [...]

Letter of Complaint

Dear Mr. Oreo,
I have long been a loyal customer of yours. Over the years, I have bought multiple bags of every variety of your delicious cookie. After mastering the technique of consuming your original product, I’ve moved on to the chocolate filling, the strawberry filling, and the granddaddy of them all, the Double Stuff. I’ve [...]

Beginning at the End

After twelve years of being a full-time, stay-at-home mom, I have decided to spread my wings a bit. I’ve decided to turn in my apron for a chalkboard. I’m returning to the classroom.

Now, this will be a difficult transition for me. After all, you know what stay-at-home moms do. We lie in bed and eat [...]

Immunizations

The conversation around the breakfast table went something like this:
Me: Foster, would you like to go and visit the fire station today?
Foster: No, thank you.
Me: (Surprised.) Really? I thought you’d love to see the fire station. You’ll get to see the firemen and the trucks up close.
Foster: (Around a mouthful of cereal.) Naaaaa. But thanks.
Me: [...]

Pie and Ice Cream

This week, I experienced my moment of glory. You know what I mean: that once-in-a-lifetime flash of total perfection and success. It is a moment I will cherish when I am old and gray, reminiscing about the high points of my life.
I baked a homemade apple pie, with fresh apples from my very own tree, [...]

Earthquakes

There were some new tourists on a beach in San Diego last weekend. Apparently, after an earthquake caused quite a rumble, some giant squid became disoriented and washed up on shore. The forty-pound, four-foot-long sea creatures have eight arms and two long tentacles. Each arm has hundreds of suction cups, each one surrounded by tiny, [...]